we take your mom’s wine to your bedroom you ask if you look okay
is everyone always this nervous, is your
inner monologue an angel burning too
stay away from me I don’t feel real all the time
but with you I forget everything is arbitrary
I watched you too closely, shy sixteen, sophomore
Book-Eater Meets Soccer Team Slut
scaling the chainlink fence onto the football field
We tried beer I watched you too closely
I hoped you got drunker than me & I watched you too closely
Kiss me & we are momentary thieves & I will quiet the burning angels
Tomorrow morning somehow, banshee aching in the dark, leaves
hissing along the sidewalk. I kick them as we walk so
I can focus on something other than looking at you.
I can’t tell if I’m religious or not
I took pictures of you as if I was joking & kept them
in my underwear drawer. You say in the dark at a sleepover
that I should put my sleeping bag next to yours. What is this
bizarre happy escalator steeling
up my viscera. Railing up & down & everyone falling off
in a good way, like into a ball pit. I don’t know
if I’m afraid of God but it feels like I should decide now
I whisper in the dark I haven’t had a crush on a boy since the 3rd grade
You say ‘what do you mean’ I lie a lot about so many things.
I don’t keep track anymore.
I ask about your boyfriend. Have nightmares about him in a car crash only
Because I don’t like thinking about you reacting, you sobbing as proof
He means something to you. I don’t want anyone to mean
Anything to you. I have never been this selfish before.
Infinite madness you make me do everything I do
That I don’t like
I have carried you home from the party before & I will
Do it again & I will pretend
You only pass out because you like
When I hold you this way.
okay yeah im not going back up to school today i feel so weird and i don’t trust myself to drive like this i probably shouldn’t even have been driving earlier but w/e